Friday, June 17, 2011

Old Scratch

Has it really been nigh on a month since I posted? For shame...I have a good excuse...well, I have a good excuse for part of that. Our computer had to go to the hospital. It suddenly wouldn't start up and I thought all was lost (and was suddenly even more grateful I'd been keeping a blog, because at least those memories would have been kept safe)! Luckily, it was a wire that came loose between the hard drive and the...well...I don't know what. But a wire DID come loose, and one end of it was to the harddrive, and it made our computer not turn on, which required a lengthy stay at the Computer Medical Center (real name) to have surgery and get better. But it's back now, so I can finally upload some pictures and updates. :)

Totally unrelated to any of that, I would now like to introduce you to someone. He doesn't really have a name, though after our most recent encounter, I have started calling him Old in the Devil. That's right, I'm pretty sure this guy is Lucifer himself...

{Look at that EVIL...}

What? You don't believe me? Allow me to elaborate. This squirrel, Old Scratch, is probably the fattest, most well-fed, and BRAZEN squirrel in the lower 48. He lives in our garbage room of the dorm. Which means that he feeds off the scraps of 120 college girls with kitchens. {READ::::BAKED GOODS}

Not only does he have a constant smorgasbord from the garbage rooms at the dorm, he defends that territory as though the girls are going to go digging through the bins to reclaim their discarded goods and reduce his feast. More than once, I have passed by the garbage room and nearly been given a heart attack as this little demon shoots out the door and stares me down, just waiting for a sign of weakness so he can eat my eyeballs out of their sockets. 

Even worse, he has also taken to begging for scraps. 

Now that the weather is nice, many of the dorm girls are spending time eating out on the lawn in the courtyard: "Oh look!" they cry innocently as the serpent approaches. He cautiously comes over, batting his false eyelashes at them and pawing his tiny claws in the air. "Awwwww...he's hungry," I hear. There is usually a pause at this point, as the girls offer him a little snack....and then, the screaming begins. It begins because once you give Satan a foothold, he is there to stay, and as soon as you toss this heathen beast a crust, he leaps onto your lunch and makes off with it! 

The picnics are becoming less frequent. As such, the monster is escalating his attacks... 

Yesterday, on my way back from the laundry room with my arms full, I walked past the open kitchen window and heard a little scritch-scratch. My immediate instinct was to wonder what sort of trouble my children were getting into. Instead, as I pushed open the door, I saw Lucifer himself dart across my path, leap onto the recliner and climb up the back so that he stood at nearly eye level with me. He opened his beady eyes wide, stood on his hind legs and pawed the air as if to say, "Out of here woman! There is nothing to see! Go on your way!" 

I, however, did what I had to. In the face of evil, one has only a single option. And that is to scream like a sissy-girl, drop the laundry and run right back out the door....

He apparently knew he was defeated and that I would NOT be tempted to join his legion of darkness. He grabbed himself a pink cupcake and darted out the door. And this, my friends, is where he really played dirty. Did he run back to his garbage room to eat my cupcake? Hide his sins in darkness? NO. He hopped out the door, and climbed up three of the stairs that are immediately outside of it, and used his tiny little demon-paws to eat that cupcake in plain view, as if to further taunt me. In fact, he even ate the wrapper (hedonistic glutton!), which he is finishing in the above picture. 

What Old Scratch doesn't know is that I have the number to animal control on speed dial, in case he ever tries to make his way in again. 

Get thee hence, Satan....



  1. That is crazy! Call the animal control, they can put up a humane trap and send the little sucker to a new home far far away from the dorms :) before he sets up camp in a new room.

  2. Kierra-- I read this in the middle of the night (while feeding my little fella) and laughed SO hard. That is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. You have such a great way with words. I am sorry he was in your house-- I would have freaked out! The fact that he ate the cupcake right infront of you is so stinkin funny. The day before you posted this, I was walking past your house and a huge squirrel jumped out of the garbage can, stopped right infront of us, and just sat there giving us the stink eye. I had no idea I was staring pure evil right in the face!

  3. This is exactly why I haven't done anything about the squirrels that have taken up residence in our attic. I am afraid to go up there! But holy cow they are loud! And I imagine they have chewed our moving box stash to smitherines...

    Great post!


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