The Grasshopper is SIX MONTHS OLD!

How can this be?

How can my tiny, precious, heart of my heart be half a year already? Soon half a decade and then half a century...

It's only a half birthday, but it's his first one, so I think I will write him a letter anyway. I hope you enjoy it.

Dear sweet little Grasshopper,

Oh, I love you so! I can hardly believe you are six months old, and yet it seems at times to me that I've had you for all of eternity! I can barely remember a time that you weren't here. You have brought us so much happiness and joy in your short sweet little life. You have this smile that just makes me laugh from deep, deep, deep down. You have this funny little dimple in your chin, off to the side, under your mouth. I love it, and yet you categorically refuse to let it be photographed. I hope it sticks around for always. When you smile, your eyes crinkle, just like your daddy's do. Really, there is so MUCH of your daddy in you. Sometimes I laugh for joy and fun just because I see so much of him when I look at you. He's not as baby-faced as he once was, but sometimes I look at you and see your baby-faced daddy from his college days, and it just tickles me to know that you may look so much like another great man I love so deeply and who loves you so deeply too.

You are so very happy. I know people think all babies are happy, but you, you really are! You don't hardly ever sleep (oh, how many a woman has said something along the lines of, "Oh, I can put him to sleep. Give him here!" and then had to admit her defeat...) but even without it, you are not cranky or ornery. You love to giggle and movemovemove. As your nickname suggests, you are a jumper. I think you jumped in the womb...and still do it all the time! In spite of your distaste for sleep, I can occasionally get a few things done because you have been known to bounce in the jumper for close to an hour at a time. I thank you for this. (But seriously...start taking naps. They are rad and some day you will wish back all the naps you ever wrestled your way out of...)

You possess a near-constant need to be talked to. Although, I will admit this need is decreased significantly since you were very tiny and have developed the ability and desire to explore the world around you. However much you wish to explore though, you will stop everything if someone will talk to you. You study faces SO intently, and are getting to the stage where you don't have the ability, but I can see the desire, to mimic expressions and facial movements. Your brother and sister adore this quality in you and have probably spent what amounts to days in front of your face, talking, giggling, and making silly faces to get reactions out of you. They are truly happiest when they can make you laugh.

I love our nursing relationship. It's just recently reached that stage where I can call it that--a "relationship." Before, it was pretty much just you eating, but now you look for my hand to hold, or stop eating to study my face and smile at me. You pause to share a giggle or watch until I turn my diverted attention back to you. Nursing is so full of sweet moments that were so easily forgotten with the older two, and I am so grateful to have this connection to you. Even though there are times I'd give just about anything for a little more space between feedings, I always enjoy being close to you and am grateful for the special bond we have at this age.

You are, as I said, beginning to explore. This is your first little stage of independence. and you enjoy it fairly confidently. You are rolling everywhere now. You get all over the living room, though you cannot always choose your direction completely reliably, sometimes reaching for an item and find yourself rolling away instead of getting it in your grasp. You are |thisclose| to sitting up on your own--you have an excellent model pose/lounge position going on. You've been trying to get up on your knees, but still can't get them under you. I think (thankfully) that crawling is at least several weeks out.

Right now, your favorite things are peek-a-boo, being tickled, "This is the way the ladies ride," Open, Shut Them," and crumpling/shredding paper. (I think when you giggle sometimes in your sleep, you are probably dreaming of having free reign to tear up everything in a paper factory.)

You remind me in many ways of each of your siblings at this age--you look so very much like your big sister, you fight sleep like she did, and the endless motion and jumping are so like her.

Like your brother was, you are happy, happy, happy, and have a smile that just lights the whole world.

You are totally yourself too though--you are a bit more pensive than the other two. I love watching you observe people and objects with this perfect, curious expression with a little sucked in bottom lip. (I try so often to capture it in a photo, but have thus far failed.) You are also always attentive--even between tickle attacks in a tickle session, you will stop smiling and look very intently to assess what's happening around you. I am so looking forward to see what that thoughtfulness turns into as you grow older.

I love getting to know you better every day. I feel so privileged to have you here in our home. I love every tiny thing about you. Thank you for coming into our family and for the exquisite joy you brought along! Thank you for expanding the love we had in our home bigger than I could have thought possible.

I love you my sweet little Grasshopper!

All my love,
Mama

Purpose

Poor little neglected blog. I admit I do a terrible job of updating it these past months. The reasons I could give are many. But I think I've narrowed it down to one: I've lost my purpose in writing this. It's true. This whole blog was started on my hope of taking things more slowly, of kicking the consumer habit, of living more present in each moment. And in the past year, I've kind of sucked at that. I mostly want to blame my job. About a year and a half ago, we got a lot of changes at work that drastically reduced the flexibility that I had to enjoy my family and focus. Ultimately, I know that I am more than my circumstances, and the responsibility has to lie with me.

We had to move again this summer. Did I mention that? We moved the summer of 2011 because we were moving to an apartment twice the size. It was ultimately what led us to have our little Grasshopper and for that I am grateful! But, just a year later--this past August, we were forced into another parking lot move that put us back into about 500 square feet--half of what we'd spent the last year in. We thought we'd had it good moving into the bigger space, and that was evidenced by the amount of STUFF we'd let ourselves accumulate. Granted, there was now a whole other person added to the mix, with all the accompanying stuff that comes with a baby, but truly, we had allowed our belongings to balloon well past our need. There's a lot of frustration that comes with this move, and in large part, it's because I had been feeling entitled--one of the dirtiest feelings for people to have, I think. I felt entitled to my space--I do, after all, have the most children, the most seniority, etc when compared with my coworkers--and entitled to the STUFF I had accumulated. All this meaningless stuff, which has largely spent the last three months sitting up in a storage room, in the boxes it was originally packed into. One of the very few things I DO believe I am entitled to is happiness, and I can see that it will not be found in all that stuff. I KNOW it's true, but I somehow let us slip back to that place.

So, more recently, I have realized that once again, I have to fight back those old demons---the ones who tell me I NEED it, that my kids NEED it, or that it will bring us happiness. None of those things are true. I've got to try to shake the entitlement trap, the consumer habit, and get my hands dirty to get back to that place where living simply and free from the bondage of belongings brought me so much peace. So...once more into the fray. I'll try not to neglect this piece of that along the way.